Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.