Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
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Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.