doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people