imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I’m awake but I object,
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore