fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
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Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*