Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.