You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
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I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Crying is a sign of leakness.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia