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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me driving through Toronto
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.