John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
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I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
drew a comic about my origin story
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?