Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
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Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Go hard or stay average