The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
May never get over this
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her