My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.