Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
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My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
still the best tweet of the year by far
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs