A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
My work here is done
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o