In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
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I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.