Does your wife know you’re single?
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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
#damn
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.