getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I can fix him.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Oops I deleted….
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I would like even faster food.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?