[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?