You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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Iâve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think Iâll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
âIt says here you ran a marathon?â
Me [from my wheelchair]: âI have excellent organizational skills.â
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Everyone writes, âwhy Iâm leaving New York,â but no one writes, âhow itâs going in New Jerseyâ đ§
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and itâs an automatic, âYou donât know anything.â
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen heâs already seen me kill that week
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: đđđ
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Iâm like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute itâs a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my âcandy vanâ.
Iâm never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you âthoughtâ he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
An escape room, but itâs a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and youâre over 40. Good luck!
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.