My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no