Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.