Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
can’t talk my ride’s here
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package