23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.