What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef