Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
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Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic