Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
The happy life.. 😊
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”