“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
😆this is so true
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.