Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Hot hot hot 🥵
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
This tweet has been deleted
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]