me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
You Might Also Like
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
That’s it.I’m out.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea