-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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time machine? you mean a clock?
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Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
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Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 馃檪
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that鈥檚 what he said
My kid鈥檚 teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it鈥檒l be a lot easier if we text you when we鈥檙e going to be on time
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I鈥檓 going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Wife: play your cards right and you鈥檙e getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain