Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use