I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last