My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.