How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Wait for it
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?