I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)