[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Have kids, they said
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.