Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)