You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god