microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Ummm
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro