“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
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Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Same pineapple, same
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous