It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
i now pronounce you bounced.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?