This sweet pup found a new friend đź–¤
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What if all the cashiers are married?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
:/
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine