“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
So the ex texted me
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir