My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”