Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send