It was worth a shot 😂
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Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.