Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
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You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
The first one, obviously
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.