america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I need a headline like this
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.