just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
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When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Don’t we all.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was