Fights fire with marshmallows
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Bring back the McRib
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Catering service
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ